i did

"i did"
by hardCore

i was married in a desert once
a hot sun and illusions of happiness in my eyes
i wiped anticipation from my brow and inhaled the scene
no scent of doubt in the wind
no misguided heartbeats
no twist in my neck begging me to turn back
you can’t tell me i wasn’t ready
steady and stern
freshly shaved and bowtied
my best man as my twin
closest family as witnesses
a preacher i didn’t know and a violinist
my proudest moment was being cemented in time
right before me
sculpted masterfully by my expectations
a matron of honor
a long pause
the momentum of people standing
and her
yes her
life promises
a kiss
a reception
a toast
hugs
so many hugs
and happiness
and speed
so much speed
and new family
and faces and names i couldn’t quite remember
i became lost in the newness
more speed
first Christmas
zoom
first new years
things beginning to blur
birthdays
anniversary
slow down
wait
another christmas
hold on
another new years
make it stop….

and then
it did
so abruptly
just over a year in
tires came screeching down our hallways
into the deepest corridors of our confusion
index fingers started pointing
tongues became muted
and when they weren’t
they lashed out like leather
at the tips of whips on flesh
the next day we’d walk around
with our backs still stinging
so many i’m sorry’s and i love you’s
all while spending less time together
too much time making money
not enough time making love……..last
eating in different rooms
seeking out advice from different sources
falling asleep with an ocean between us
deep hard lines becoming fixated between our eyes
each night we went to sleep unhappy
no smiles
no understanding
the willingness to work harder being drained
slowly from our veins
enfant problems screaming at the crack of dawn
begging to be attended to
both of us just lying there
neither of us rolling over
screams getting louder
nobody making the first move
she waiting on me
me waiting on her
to make it stop, but it never did
two stems from one flower growing
in different directions
blooming, but not together
becoming more happy apart
healing and still growing
learning to love ourselves
the way we couldn’t each other
sometimes saving a friendship
means sacrificing a ring
a last name
a life together
false images of happiness
and pain

this is not the story of i do
i didn’t
or what i would if i could do it all again
this is simply the story of loving someone
as hard as i could
even when it didn’t work
and being able to walk away knowing

i did

©2007 3rd Eye Open Publishing